How to respond when your kid says, "I hate you! I wish you were dead!"

We're here with our weekly 3 things...

1️⃣ Burning question

2️⃣ Actionable tip

3️⃣ Resource from our toolkit

1. The question

How do I respond when my son is having a hard time and says, “I hate you! I wish you were dead!” Please help! 

2. Our actionable tip

Yup… we’ve been there. And it feels like a punch to the gut every time.

It’s SO hard not to take it personally and snap back with an emotionally reactive comment, but THE most important thing is that we stay calm.

We find it helpful to remind ourselves that they don’t really feel that way, and instead, are just overwhelmed by their big feelings and don’t yet have the skills to properly express or regulate them.

Let’s face it… we ALL say things we don’t really mean when our emotions get the best of us.

So, first things first, give them some space. 

You can say something like, "I hear you… and I understand why you feel that way,” in order to acknowledge what they’re feeling without escalating things.

But then, let them cool down a bit. It is totally okay (and expected) for us to step back and take a breath here.

Yes, we feel like we need to immediately respond because those kinds of words are so triggering. And in fact, we’ve even snapped back with something like, “Well I don’t like you much either right now,” but we all know that isn’t going to help.

Taking that step back to breathe and regulate our own emotions will give everyone a chance to chill out.

Once things have settled a bit, you can come back and say, "I understand that you feel like you hate me. I’d probably feel that way too if I were you.”

Then… and here comes our actionable tip of the week…

✅ EXPRESS UNCONDITIONAL LOVE

We want to let them know that it’s okay to feel the way they do, and even if they feel like they hate us and want us dead, we still love them.

You could say something like, "It's okay to feel that way. Just know that I love you no matter what."

We can (and should) discuss boundaries around the kinds of words we use, but this conversation should come later, once everyone’s emotional temperature has had a chance to come down.

But in the moment, what they need most is to know that our love is constant and unconditional, no matter what they say when they’re having a hard time.

Every time one of our kids has said something hurtful like this, they’ve ALWAYS taken it back later.

They don’t really hate us. Yes, they feel that way in the moment, but they’re just having a hard time. 

As always, connect first, and save the lessons for later.

3. From our toolkit

Struggle responding thoughtfully instead of emotionally when these challenging moments come up?

It’s incredibly hard because so many of us are already on high alert and slip right into fight-or-flight mode. So, we need to proactively create an environment that sets us up for success.

Our 7-year-old has been experiencing big emotions lately, and we finally took the time to really sit down and ‘play detective’. 

We’ve been working with her on building her frustration tolerance, a skill that’s still developing, but in the meantime, we want to ensure she has the tools in her environment to manage her emotions when they feel overwhelming. Traditional hugs or gentle words often don’t work and can even make things worse! 

We’ve noticed that she seeks out small spaces when upset, and during a recent visit to an indoor kids’ gym, she spent A LOT of time in their sensory room. 

She especially loved the blackout tent and star projector. I knew we had to get her one to support regulation at home, so I immediately started hunting for one. 

This tent, from Abby & Noah, was exactly what we were looking for.  

If you have a kid in your life who would benefit from a unique calming space, this is a great place to start!

Thanks for being here. 🙂

❤️ Jenilee & Greg

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