How to support your child when they self-harm

We're here with our weekly 3 things:

1️⃣ A question from our community.

2️⃣ Our actionable tip of the week. 

3️⃣ A resource from our toolkit.

1. The question

"How can I support my child who self-harms when they’re emotionally dysregulated?"

2. Our actionable tip

Okay… this is a BIG one.

If your kid self-harms when they’re dysregulated, it's so important that we step in with both empathy and action.

First, let's dig into the “why” to get a better understanding of what's going on... 

Kids’ perceptions of their own feelings can be incredibly intense. And because the emotions are so huge, yet can’t really be seen, they become overwhelmingly scary. 

Self-harming can kind of make these invisible feelings more visible and "believable." 

As a result, it gives them a sense of control over what they’re feeling, so we can think of it as an attempt to self-soothe.

But here’s our actionable tip for the week...

✅ BE THE BOUNDARY

Sometimes, we have to be the boundary when our kids can’t be one for themselves. 

When you see self-harm behavior, your first job is to keep them safe, so step in and use your body to protect them from themselves.

We strongly recommend that you let them know what’s about to happen.

For example, you might say...

“I’m going to hold you to keep you safe.”

They might not fully hear you in the moment, but communicating what we’re doing and why will ALWAYS be better than just acting (which can make things even scarier for them).

We’ve found that quickly moving them to a safer, smaller space can also create a sort of “boundary” that helps calm the chaos.

For us, much of the time this means picking them up to take them to their bedroom. Again… WITH communication.

Once we’re in a more contained area, we stay with them, making it clear that we’re on their team. 

We do our best to remind them that we are there to help them manage their (totally normal) emotions and keep them safe.

By stepping in and being the boundary, we show our kids that they are not alone with their big, seemingly unmanageable feelings. 

They're likely to resist at first so it’s a tough job, but it’s really one of the most loving things that we can do for them.

3. From our toolkit

If you’re looking for a fantastic children’s book to support your child’s understanding and ability to take care of their emotions, look no further than Visiting Feelings by Lauren Rubenstein.

This beautifully illustrated book is a frequent request during bedtime in our home. 

We love that it encourages our kids to accept and explore their emotions with curiosity rather than fear or judgment. It guides them to see feelings as visitors who come and go, helping them to identify, name, and process their emotions in a healthy way. 

Think of this book as your go-to resource to help your kids begin to develop the emotional literacy and resilience needed to navigate their intense feelings. We hope your family will enjoy it as much as ours (get it here). 

If you’re interested in checking out our other kids books recommendations, you can visit our Amazon storefront here.

Also...

Do you struggle with setting boundaries? 

We did too! (And obviously still do sometimes).

The thing about boundaries is that they don’t require any action from the other person. Instead, boundaries are about deciding what YOU WILL DO or how YOU WILL RESPOND if someone crosses your limits.

If you’re Interested in learning more and developing this critical skill to support your kids and ease your parenting journey… 

As part of our ‘Regulated Parenting’ workshop, we’ll teach you all about how to set and maintain boundaries. 

We’ll walk you step-by-step through identifying and implementing boundaries, making more space in your life for YOU while also applying this skill to your parenting. 

You can access ‘Regulated Parenting’ two ways:

Get it here for $84 as a standalone activity.  Or…

Access it here as a member of The Happy Human Collective along with our other workshops, live meetups, and more!

We’re offering a 7-day free trial in The Collective, so come explore Regulated Parenting and our other support activities at no cost.

Thanks for being here. 🙂

❤️ Jenilee & Greg

Happy Human Resources:

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